I was in the hospital recovering from a sudden cardiac arrest in the summer of 2022 when a doctor came into my room to discuss a course of action to address my immediate and long-term cardiac health issues. As he reviewed what I had experienced a few days before, he kept saying “when you died.”
It was disturbing to say the least. I’m here, conscious and lying in a hospital bed, I thought to myself. How could I have died? Finally, I cut him off in mid sentence to ask why he kept saying I had died. Then he explained that in the moments following the cardiac arrest, I was clinically dead.
Until that moment, I’d not fully comprehended what had happened to me. Maybe it was denial or confusion from the pain meds I was on.
I later found out that I had actually been clinically dead for nearly 10 minutes. It was difficult to believe this (and it still is). How was this possible? And why did my heart stop beating? And how—and why—did I survive? Was the hand of God in this or was it just a series of events that worked out in favor of my survival?
So many questions, and unfortunately I might never get the answers. Maybe I don’t need the answers. People have asked me if I recall experiencing anything after my heart stopped beating. I’m sorry to say I don’t remember anything from that period of time. It wasn’t unlike a dreamless sleep. It’s disappointing to not be able to share a glimpse of the afterlife.
On the other hand, I wasn’t legally dead, which is defined as irreversible cessation of cardiorespiratory function or irreversible cessation of all brain function.
Okay, enough of the morbid stuff. Regardless of what happened to me or why, I’m lucky to be alive. I’m a member of an exclusive group of sudden cardiac arrest survivors, and I guess that should make me feel special. This experience has made me appreciate mortality perhaps better than most people.
To be sure, I’ve seen both good and bad since that event. As much as I don’t like to admit it, there are times when I wonder why survived. Life can be difficult. And it’s during those dark, difficult, and sometimes painful times when I am perhaps most vulnerable to ongoing negative thinking and feelings.
But then I emerge from that dreary place and remind myself of the many positive things life has to offer. I have a purpose. I’m a husband, a father, a father-in-law, a son, a brother, a brother-in-law, a friend. These connections to others are what life is really all about.
I try to appreciate whatever time I have left. That includes enjoying and embracing the good moments when they happen. It also includes experiencing the bad moments and letting them pass. This is life. Good and bad. Happy and sad. Optimistic and pessimistic. Hopeful and despairing.
Our attitude about what happens to us means everything, and fortunately we get to choose how we feel and respond to the events of our lives.
“Life is a gift from God, an unlimited series of opportunities to find the good in ourselves and others. There is good in everything, if we are willing to see it.”—Alan Cohen
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